My Life..

What have I done to deserve all this pain?
I do the same thing every single day.
I can't ever do anything right because at the end of the day.
I am the one to blame.
Keeping my head up every day takes so much of my energy away
Because they always say don't worry put a smile on your face...everything will be okay.
A smile can mean so many things to different people
But it usually means happiness.
I’m different though because to me this smile on my face is just a mask.
A mask that never reveals the monster behind it.
A monster that never comes out because it knows that if it comes out...a few minutes later it’s going to be shoved back in my body behind this mask I call a smile.
This smile that I use to cover my deepest feelings that I cover because I hate showing vulnerability.
Vulnerability that in my book means I’m a weakling.
A weakling who hides behind a smile because I’m too afraid to actually show the emotions and feelings that are slowly deteriorating everything within me.
Man is me being happy even a possibility?
So much shit has happened to me it’s insane...
Some people still question if I’m still sane.
It’s funny because I’m not going to lie but I am insane on some days.
Those are the days that I remember this terrible past
The terrible past that wakes me up after having a horrible nightmare.
Nightmares of that stare.
That stare that is rare and you never see it but I saw it in this nightmare.
I’m haunted with all these memories
The memories from when I was 7 until now
Mind you I’m barely 16.
I’m barely 16 and I have all these memories that I reminisce upon.
The thing about reminiscing is that I dread it.
I dread it because after every memory I wish I could be dead
The dreadful past that takes me back to the day when I was laying on the bed.
I was laying there while you and she were fighting and she was begging.
She was begging you to stay but you said I’ll come back another day.
This past that includes so many people that were so close to me but couldn't handle it.
I feel like if everyone around me gets tired of me and instead of being beside me they just leave.
After talking to you every day...you can't even say hey.
You left me here stranded with all this
But you don't worry because you just runaway after every hit.
You runaway while I have to take it...you aren't worried because it’s not you...
Thinking about it...I bet you don't have the slightest clue
The slightest clue of all the stuff that you do...
I had your back through no matter what...
I can't believe that I stood up for you and took your side instead of his.
I took your side because I knew that you needed me
But I was wrong because you didn't need anything from me.
The only thing you did to me is use me...
You used my kindness for your advantage
But trust me I’m not the same as the other day.
Yea I have changed and I noticed it wasn't the greatest thing.
I’m on that mind set where I don't give a fuck about anyone.
I have the people that love me but If I lose one I've learned to control my mind to not care..
Because trust me I’m not getting any grey hairs
None from you or any dumb ass person that wastes my time.
Because I truly believe that the time that we had together was a waste.
I wish I would've realized this sooner before I actually started believing that we were family.
But don't worry this is the last time that I actually have you on my mind.
Why?
Because I’m not just talking to you but I’m tearing you...ripping you from my mind...my heart...my life.
I’m done with everything.
I’m done wasting my time trying to figure out what I can do so I can have my sister back.
I’m done crying about the past when my dad left.
I’m done reminiscing about these hard times that I try so much to turn around.
I always try to say no it’s making me stronger but sometimes damn I feel weaker
I feel as if I can't go on anymore...but I can't.
I can't say that or keep that mentality because of all this pressure that I have to be successful
Everybody wants me to be the person that they couldn't be.
But that's so hard because I just want to be me.
I can't keep my head down because I know I have people under me that look up at me.
I have to live my life for those two blessings that were born into a world where their families aren't perfect and far from it.
All they want is to be happy and for their family to be okay.
One is only 9 but the other is barely turning 2.
She has to come up with separation of her family and living with somebody else.
But his problems have barely begun because he hasn't even hit that problem on how to tie his shoes.
I wish they can stay innocent and I can protect them from this corrupt hell that we call life.
But I can't...the only thing I can do is stay strong by their side.
I have to because who else is going to do it...
Who else is going to understand what they're going through but the big sister that's gone through most of it...?
So I can't keep my head down because I have to keep pushing for them
So I’m going to suck it up and hide this monster once again behind that mask that I call a smile.
And I have a feeling that this mask isn't coming off for a while.
Damn I guess I have to make my life worthwhile.